Okay guys, I’m three days into this journey and I am ending the night with a giant glass of wine.
To be far, it really hasn’t been that bad so far. The first day it was raining so we just played around the house and terrorized the dogs. The second day we attended a music class and then hit the park. But today, today was rough because of me. While J has been out of daycare for three days, I’ve been out of work for two weeks and three days and I was missing my freedom a little more today. All I wanted to do today was to lounge around in my pajamas and watch sappy Christmas movies. It didn’t help that J didn’t get to nap as long as normal because our dumb dog wouldn’t stop barking so he was super grumpy the rest of the day. So instead of peacefully lounging and crying my eyes out at a stupid Hallmark movie, I dealt with a screaming child and only watched the movie (instead of hearing it). The struggle was real because….
Okay, here’s your trigger warning***
Ya’ll, depression is real. It’s a struggle that I deal with every single day and have for as far back as I can remember. Some days are a lot worse than others and today was one of those days. This particular instance did have a predecessor but they definitely don’t usually have one.
All growing up I struggled with the idea of suicide, including multiple attempts. It wasn’t until a very close family friend had a drug overdose and killed herself when I realized I needed help. I couldn’t put my family and friends through something like that. I sought out therapy but mainly I sought out antidepressants. I hoped beyond all hope that being on drugs was a temporary thing, I would quickly ‘get over’ my depression now that I’m in therapy and took a couple drugs. Unfortunately, that was not the case (obviously). Therapy does absolute wonders, please don’t get me wrong! (I recently went back to therapy and have already realized SO many things about myself that I’m working on.) My main point, is my depression isn’t situational, it’s biological. I come from a long line of depression and accepting that I would have to take medication the rest of my life was hard. But then J was born, I knew from that moment that it wouldn’t matter what I took, how long I was in therapy, or how much I struggled with my depression because nothing, NOTHING mattered as much as this little boy.
J will always look at me for how to handle feelings, how to deal with relationships, and how to deal with life. He will always look up to me as his example and I have to provide the best example I know how to. Wow, that’s crazy daunting to think about. Okay, so bad example if you’re a parent don’t think of things that way. Think about it as…Shit I’ve got nothing. It is a daunting thing to think about, it’s a scary ass thing to raise children. But god are they cute and amazing and their laugh, oh we can all agree that there is absolutely nothing better than the sound of a baby’s laugh!
Alright, this wine is getting to me. Some words of wisdom before I sign off…at any given moment, you are doing the absolute best you know how to do and no one (especially yourself) can ask for anything more than that!